The Musings of a Mendicant Man

It’s been a while since I have posted on here, and for good reason.  At the end of January, we received our first placement.  Prior to that, we had a wonderful little 3 year old boy in respite care.  Things were looking like he was going to be moved into our house.  As we got closer to the end of the weekend, although we really loved the little guy, we felt like we were not the right solution for that little guy.  So God worked it out where the other foster family decided to keep him, which was ultimately great.  But, on our last day with that little guy, while we were walking through the decision of, “Should we keep this little guy or not,” we got a call for our new little guy.

Our new little guy, Baby J, is such an angel.  We picked him up on day 2 of his precious little life.  When we picked him up, they told us, “Just go ahead and call him whatever you want.  We’ve been through all of this with mama a few times and he will mostly likely be yours and you will be his forever family.”  MAN!  We were a mix of emotions with that statement.  There was a part of us that was absolutely overjoyed.  This was totally what we wanted.  We wanted to love some little babies and then to adopt them and for them to always be part of our family.  BUT, on the other hand, we had heard tons of stories of people who had gotten a placement and were absolutely sure that the little one would be with them forever, only to have some ransom cousin pop up at the last minute and say that they wanted him.  We were overjoyed, and scared, and nervous.

We’ve had Baby J for over a month now.  He is just as precious as can be.  He’s happy, healthy, and just the sweetest little cuddle bug you could ever hope for.  His momma, as so many foster babies’ mommas are, was on drugs.  Baby J is healthy, though!  And I have to say, it used to be that when I had a rough day at work, I would come home and just shut down.  I didn’t want to do anything.  I just wanted to disconnect and watch TV and shut my brain off.  Now, I just want to snuggle my little guy.  Putting him on my chest just melts away all of my troubles.

I have definitely started to realize that I am not the same person.  When you get excited when your baby poops, you know you are a dad.  When you get peed on, spit up on, and drooled on and it does not bother you at all, you know you are a dad.  When you have a 100 pictures on your phone and at least 95 of them are of the baby, you know you are a daddy. Life has changed, but it is good.

On the other hand, I have had some really tough stuff happening in other areas of my life.  My sister, who has been fighting cancer for over a year now, has had some rough turns.  She had gotten down to just having one tumor on her liver (although that tumor had a blood flow and was not dying despite their best attempts to kill it).  Recently, we found out that the cancer is in her bones, too.  It is in two of her vertebrae and in one rib bone.  Then a couple more tumors popped up in her intestines.  It’s hard to see someone you love in so much pain.  There is not a thing that I, my sister, or my mother can do.  When we try to express our sorrow, my sweet sister always feels like it is her fault.  We just don’t want her to be in pain anymore.  It stinks to see someone you love hurting.

I met with a friend of mine who happens to be a pastor at my church as well.  We talked about this for a little bit and he explained something kind of interesting to me.  He referenced Genesis 3 where the curse of the fall is laid out.  It talks about how there were 3 parts to the curse.  Man was cursed to have toil and struggle to survive.  Basically it would never be easy to provide for your family again.  Woman was cursed to have pain in childbirth.  Satan’s curse was that humanity would always be in opposition to him.  Specifically, it says that there would be “enmity” between Satan and man.  Enmity is one of those words that, because we don’t use it often, is not understood very well by us.  It basically means hatred.  A lot of times, we, as Christians, we struggle with the word hatred.  Either we hate the wrong things (gay people, people who are promiscuous, people who get abortions, etc) or we think that hate is wrong in all cases.  But there is one case in the Bible where hate is called forth.  We are supposed to hate the Devil and we are supposed to hate sin.  My pastor friend talked about this, and I think it freed up in my a sense that I could be angry at the unjustness of this situation.  Because even though God is omnipotent, he does not like that my sister is ill.  So I hate Satan for the illness, and the pain that she is feeling.

It has been a crazy whirlwind.  On one hand, I am having some of the most beautiful, sweet, tender moments in my life right now because of my beautiful, baby boy.  On the other hand, my heart is broken because of the pain that my precious sister is going through.  All of this has left me feeling raw and exposed.  I take comfort in the fact that my God loves me, he protects me, and when I am feeling exposed, as Martin Smith wrote, He “wrap[s] around me like a winter coat.”

So, this weekend we were blessed to have a wonderful little 3 year old boy staying in our house for respite care.  He is such an amazing little guy.  He’s funny, sweet, playful, and so loving.  Having him here as totally changed my perspective on so many things.  It’s funny, I think last week we were talking about selfishness in life group.  Many of the parents were talking about how nothing shows you how selfish you are like becoming a parent.  Man, oh man is that true.  It’s not like I’m selfish in the sense of wanting to purchase things for me and not for the little guy.  He can have all my money.  Literally nothing makes me as happy as seeing him in clothes I think are cute or playing with toys I think are awesome for him.  Where I am really selfish is with my time.  I LOVE my time to myself and I did not realize this at all.

For instance, yesterday, I got home from a very grueling day of work.  I was beat.  I wanted to play with him right away, though, because I knew that Michele had worked hard to keep him busy and happy all day long.  I knew she must need a few minutes break.  But the little guy had so much energy, and he was climbing all over me, and at this moment I don’t quite know what to say to discourage him from doing something without him feeling like I am mad at him.  He responds very emotionally to me and almost forgets Michele when I get home.  I just want so badly for him to know that I love him and that he is safe here, but I was absolutely beat and needed a few minutes to rest.  So for the sake of loving him first, and myself second, I let myself be a jungle gym for a while and played with him until I almost couldn’t lift my arms.  I felt so selfish for even thinking of my own needs when he has had so few of his needs met throughout the years.

Additionally, there are several things from his time before foster care that have made themselves apparent.  I think I believed that at age 3 there wouldn’t be that many noticeable issues, but I was definitely wrong.  The little guy was malnourished when he entered foster care so he asks to eat constantly.  He will literally eat until he is sick so you have to portion his food out.  And it’s sad to me when he asks for more food and you can’t give it to him because you are trying to protect him.  You can tell he is very sensitive about food issues too, because if you move his food away from him he gets very quiet and sad.

There are other signs that lead me to believe that at some point he has been abused in some way.  It breaks my heart to pieces. He is so small, fragile, and sweet.  How could anyone hurt such a tender little guy?  It makes me long for Christ’s return so these little guys and gals can’t be hurt anymore.

Little things have shown me how much I have to learn as far as parenting goes.  Like for instance, how it’s important to unbutton the pants before you try to pull them up.  I seriously was almost sweating trying to pull the little guy’s pants up and then I realized his button was still done.  It’s so difficult to learn when he’s crying because he doesn’t want to go to bed and when he’s crying because he is scared and needs comfort.  The first night I stayed up almost all night because I wanted to know that he would be okay, but the second night I was able to sleep.

Now we only have a little more than 24 hours left with the little guy.  Part of me is happy that we will have a little chance to catch our breaths, but mostly I am so sad that he is leaving our home.  I think that we are the best fit for him right now.  So does the other foster parent because they want to move him to our house.  Here’s hoping…

So, from the moment you get licensed, you could have a phone call to have a child placed in your home.  For a couple that has been waiting for 10 1/2 years to have the pitter patter of little feet in their home, an hour is too long to wait.  It’s been about 2 weeks since we have been licensed and we do not have a placement yet.  In the beginning, they told us it is averaging four weeks right now, but as we got closer to time they accentuated that it could be anytime.

Circumstances have had it to where last weekend we thought we might have our first little kiddo in our home.  Michele called me, so excited and so eager to share the news.  It was the foster parents equivalent of telling your husband you are pregnant.  However, things didn’t work out.  It was nothing we did right or wrong, but it just didn’t happen.  And the truth is that it kind of sucks.

It’s hard not to get your hopes up.  It’s not like we are just looking to a raise or a promotion, although those things are nice too.  We are about to have an addition to our family, someone we will love for the rest of our lives.  We are SO ready.  We are SO eager.  We want this more than we have ever wanted anything in our lives.  And it makes you wonder how we will feel if one of these beautiful babies is taken back and returned to their families.  Part of us would love to see those families restored, but part of us would be broken.

In all of this, we have had to hold tight to the promises of God.  He knows the desires of our hearts.  He is looking out for us and will guard our hearts if we place them in His hands.  These promises - when they are truly reflected on - are more than enough to get us through.

I have to say that I have been a little turned off lately by the ongoing angry rhetoric that is flooding social media.  As time goes by I find myself wanting more and more to just cut myself off from it.  And yes, I do realize how ironic it is that I am writing about this on a social media outlet.  The only thing that keeps me hanging in there is all the wonderful people, whom I love, that are spread out around the world. 

What’s been so challenging for me lately is watching friends, whom I love dearly, posting angry, hate-filled rhetoric about politicians, various news stories, and people at work and school.  I have not forgotten that my God is a god of wrath.  A while back David Crowder wrote a song called God of wrath because he thought that we had lost sight of the fact that God doesn’t change and so he is also a God of wrath (as he always has been).  Although the song does reference God as being a god of wrath, it also references many other attributes of God.

But what do we do?  When we read of Jesus, whom our faith is founded on, is his wrath the predominant trait?  Is sense of justice? Surely these are important traits of him…but there is one trait that is synonymous with Jesus.  Love.  So let’s take a second and see what Christian love means…

4Love is patient (with those that are annoying or selfish or thoughtless or careless) and kind (even when they aren’t kind to you) ; love does not envy (those that have more money or property or power…or good relationships) or boast (when it is more affluent…no matter in what way); it is not arrogant (thinking to highly of its abilities or status or possessions) 5or rude (being itself annoying, selfish, thoughtless, or careless). It does not insist on its own way (but listens patiently and civilly while others share their perspectives and then shares its own viewpoint…always praying for the other person); it is not irritable (but thinks before it speaks, putting the other’s emotions ahead of its own) or resentful (but rests in peace, keeping no record of wrongs); 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth (Love still holds its moral standard.  Notice this doesn’t discuss public chastisement of wrongdoing…but focuses on celebrating on truth!). 7Love bears all things (lets all hurts go), believes all things (praying for change), hopes all things (believing that the good in each person and situation can come forth), endures all things (never gives up on the other). - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV (parenthetical notes are mine).

I was watching a sermon by Chris Hodges from Church of the Highlands.  He talked about why New Years resolutions don’t work.  He said that New Years resolutions focus on changing the outside and believing that that will change our inside.  When in reality, what we need to do is work on changing the inside and we will see the outside change as a result.  When I see the kind of anger that is being posted so frequently, I think that we need to change our hearts.

Don’t get me wrong.  Although, in humbling, brutal honesty, I am being judgmental here…which is something I hate, I see my own faults in all of this.  Every day I wake up and I engage in a battle.  Who will I serve today?  Will I honor God or will I serve myself?  I make a lot of mistakes.  I do a lot of things I hate.  I know what Paul meant when he talked about his own battles against the flesh.  And I have done everything to change these outside things.  I have dieted and “fasted” in order to lose weight.  I have had accountability partners for ongoing sinfulness.  Yet, most of these things have been at least somewhat unsuccessful.  I am still selfish.  As C. S. Lewis said, “I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through.”  

Recently, I came to the conclusion that the only way to be pure of heart is to fill myself with Jesus.  I need to wake up and completely consume myself with Christ.  Sometimes this is daunting.  We know that life and the world are hard.  It’s difficult to face things and be Christ-like.  Very recently, I had someone wrong me in the worst way.  Part of me wanted justice.  But because I have been working so hard to consume myself with the love of Christ (even spending my lunch break engaging my faith) there was a stronger part that pitied that person.  I wanted them to be healed of the brokenness that caused them to wrong me.  I wanted them to be free of the circumstances that have informed their sinfulness.  I wanted them to know Him.

I hope that as I have processed these feelings and emotions it doesn’t seem as if my mind has wandered because this is one thought flow for me.  I suppose what I am getting at, is that when people do horrible things (and although we are all different, I can assure you I have witnessed people…people I love…doing horrible things) we need to love them, pray for them, hope for them, believe for them…and draw them back to Christ.

Inspired by Haley from Carrots for Michaelmas, I decided to post my list of what I read in 2012.  This looks like an enormous list, but bear in mind that a lot of this is made up of graphic novels and comic books.  The older I have grown, the more I have decided that there is no literature that is only for children or teens.  All types and genres of literature have value (although the value of romance novels still alludes me).  My goal this year is to beat this record.  I don’t think I am on pace yet.

1) Rocket Boys - Homer Hickam

2) Choosing to See - Mary Beth Chapman

3) The Power of Six - Pittacus Lore

4) Green Lantern: Brightest Day - Geoff Johns

5) God and Harry Potter at Yale – Danielle Tumminio

6) The God I Never Knew - Robert Morris

7) Love and War - John and Staci Elderedge

8) The Name of the Star – Maureen Johnson

9) The Giver - Lois Lowry

10) Lola and the Boy Next Door - Stephanie Perkins

11) The Son of Neptune - Rick Riordan

12) The Barbarian Way - Erwin McManus

13) Zombies vs. Unicorns - Eds. Holly Black and Justine Larbalestier

14) Brightest Day, Volume 2 - Geoff Johns

15) The New Avengers, Volume 1 - Brian Michael Bendis

16) Wildwood - Colin Meloy

17) Let It Snow: 3 Holiday Romances - John Green, Maureen Johnson, Lauren Myracle

18) The Invention of Hugo Cabret - Brian Selznick

19) Wonderstruck - Brian Selznick

20) Scott Pilgrim’s Precious Little Life - Bryan Lee O’Malley

21) Scott Pilgrim vs. the World - Bryan Lee O’Malley

22) Scott Pilgrim and the Infinite Sadness - Bryan Lee O’Malley

23) Wintertown - Stephen Emond

24) Scott Pilgrim Gets it Together - Bryan Lee O’Malley

25) Scott Pilgrim vs. the Universe - Bryan Lee O’Malley

26) Scott Pilgrim’s Finest Hour - Bryan Lee O’Malley

27) Lost at Sea - Bryan Lee O’Malley

28) Witch and Wizard – James Patterson

29) Devilish - Maureen Johnson

30) Geektastic: Stories from the Nerd Herd - eds. Holly Black and Cecil Castellucci

31) The Gift - James Patterson

32) The Fire - James Patterson

33) The Fault in Our Stars - John Green

34) Eragon - Christopher Paolini

35) Eldest - Christopher Paolini

36) Brisingr - Christopher Paolini

37) Inheritance - Christopher Paolini

38) Weird: Because Normal Isn’t Working - Craig Groeschel

39) The Leader in Me - Stephen R. Covey

40) The Energy Bus - Jon Gordon

41) The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton

42) Suite Scarlett - Maureen Johnson

43) Surprised by Laughter: The Comic World of C. S. Lewis - Terry Lindvall, PhD.

44) Unveiled: The Transforming Power of God’s Presence and Voice – Alan Smith

45) Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events - The Bad Beginning - Lemony Snicket

46) Avengers: Disassembled - Brian Michael Bendis

47) New Avengers: Breakout - Brian Michael Bendis

48) The Energy Bus (re-read) - Jon Gordon

49) Cyrano de Bergerac - Edmond Rostand

50) The Secret War - Brian Michael Bendis

51) The House of M - Brian Michael Bendis

52) New Avengers: Sentry - Brian Michael Bendis

53) New Avengers: Secrets and Lies - Brian Michael Bendis

54) New Avengers: The Collective - Brian Michael Bendis

55) The Road to Civil War - Brian Michael Bendis

56) Civil War - Mark Millar

57) The Death of Captain America, Volume 1: The Death of a Dream - Ed Brubaker

58) The Death of Captain America, Volume 2: The Burden of Dreams - Ed Brubaker

59) The Death of Captain America, Volume 3: The Man Who Bought America - Ed Brubaker

60) New Avengers: Civil War - Brian Michael Bendis

61) New Avengers: Revolution - Brian Michael Bendis

62) Mighty Avengers - The Ultron Initiative - Brian Michael Bendis

63) New Avengers: Illuminati - Brian Michael Bendis

64) Mighty Avengers: Venom Bomb - Brian Michael Bendis

65) New Avengers: The Trust - Brian Michael Bendis

66) Mighty Avengers: Assemble - Brian Michael Bendis

67) The Serpent’s Shadow - Rick Riordan

68) The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight - Jennifer Smith

69) New Avengers: Secret Invasion, Volume 1 - Brian Michael Bendis

70) Mighty Avengers: Secret Invasion, Volume 1 - Brian Michael Bendis

71) Secret Invasion - Brian Michael Bendis

72) New Avengers: Secret Invasion, Volume 2 - Brian Michael Bendis

73) Mighty Avengers: Secret Invasion, Volume 2 - Brian Michael Bendis

74) Mighty Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest - Dan Slott

75) Dark Reign: Accept Change - Brian Michael Bendis

76) New Avengers: Luke Cage: Town Without Pity - John Arcudi

77) Mighty Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest – Dan Slott

78) Dark Reign: Accept Change – Brian Michael Bendis

79) New Avengers: Luke Cage: Town Without Pity – John Arcudi

80) New Avengers: Power – Brian Michael Bendis

81) New Avengers: Search for the Sorcerer Supreme – Brian Michael Bendis

82) New Avengers: Powerloss – Brian Michael Bendis

83) Siege – Brian Michael Bendis

84) New Avengers, Vol. 1 – Brian Michael Bendis

85) Fear Itself – Matt Fraction

86) New Avengers, Vol. 2 – Brian Michael Bendis

87) New Avengers, Vol. 3 – Brian Michael Bendis

88) New Avengers: Siege – Brian Michael Bendis

89) Avengers: Fear Itself – Brian Michael Bendis

90) Spiderman: Brand New Day, Vol. 1 – Dan Slott

91) Spiderman: Fear Itself – Christopher Yost

92) Green Lantern: Rebirth – Geoff Johns

93) Fahrenheit 451 – Ray Bradbury

94) Teaching with Poverty in Mind – Eric Jensen

95) Ender’s Game – Orson Scott Card

96) Spiderman: Brand New Day, Vol. 2 – Bob Gale

97) The Secret Life of Bees – Sue Monk Kidd

98) Spiderman: Brand New Day, Vol. 3 – Dan Slott

99) X-Men Masterworks: Volume 1 – Chris Claremont

100) Spiderman: Carnage – David Michelinie

101) The Book of Blood and Shadow – Robin Wasserman

102) Making Thinking Visible – Ritchhart, Church, and Morrison

103) Spiderman: Kraven’s First Hunt – Mark Guggenheim

104) James Potter and the Hall of Elder’s Crossing – G. Norman Lippert

105) Kisses from Katie – Katie Davis

106) Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Omnibus, Volume 1 - Various

107) The Invincible Iron-Man: Extremis – Warren Ellis

108) Civil War: X-Men – Mark Guggenheim

109) Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Omnibus, Volume 2 - Various

110) Avengers vs. X-Men #0-12 - Various

111) Deadpool – Merc with a Mouth: Head Trip – Victor Gischler

112) X-Men: Decimation – The Day After – Chris Claremont

113) X-Men: Decimation – Generation M – Paul Jenkins

114) X-Men: Decimation – Sentinal Squad O*N*E* - John Layman

115) X-Men: Decimation – The 198 – David Hine

116) New Excalibur – Defenders of the Realm – Chris Claremont

117) New X-Men: Children’s End, Volume 1 – Craig Kyle & Christopher Yost

118) New X-Men #24-25 – Craig Kyle & Christopher Yost

119) X-Factor: Volume 1: The Longest Night – Peter David

120) Uncanny X-Men: The New Age – Volume 4, End of the Greys – Chris Claremont

121) X-Men: Decimation – Son of M – David Hine

122) Wolverine: Origins and Endings – Daniel Way

123) X-Men: Deadly Genesis – Ed Brubaker

124) X-Men: Messiah Complex – Ed Brubaker

125) X-Men: Divided We Stand – Matt Fraction

126) Uncanny X-Men: Divided We Stand – Ed Brubaker

127) Uncanny X-Men: Fear Itself – Kieron Gillen

128) A VERSUS X #1-6 - Various

129) Brightest Day, Volume 3 – Geoff Johns

130) X-Men Legacy: Divided He Stands – Mike Carey

131) X-Force: Angels and Demons – Craig Kyle & Christopher Yost

132) X-Men: Siege – Liu, Way, & Gillen

133) Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Omnibus, Volume 3 - Various

134) War of the Green Lanterns – Geoff Johns, etc.

135) The Rise and Fall of the Shi’ar Empire – Ed Brubaker

136) House of M: Uncanny X-Men – Chris Claremont

137) Green Lantern Emerald Warriors #7 – Peter J. Tomasi

138) War of the Green Lanterns: Aftermath #1-2 – Tony Bedard

139) Wolverine: Origins – Jenkins, Quesada

140) Kingdome Come – Mark Waid

141) X-Men: Supernovas – Mike Carey

142) X- Force: “Love” & Violence – Craig Kyle and Christopher Yost

143) Uncanny X-Men: The Extremists – Ed Brubaker

144) Scarlet Spider: Life After Death – Christopher Yost

145) Scarlet Spider #7-8 – Christopher Yost

146) Gambit #1-7 – James Asmus

147) Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Omnibus, Vol. 4 – Various

148) X-Men Legacy: Sins of the Father – Mike Carey

149) Crossover Classics (DC/Marvel) #1 – Various

150) “The Most Dangerous Game” – Richard Connell

151) X-Men: Manifest Destiny – Matt Fraction

152) Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Omnibus, Vol. 5 – Various

153) The Rise of Nine – Pittacus Lore

154) The Casual Vacancy – J. K. Rowling

155) A + X #1-2 – Various

156) X-Men Legacy #1-3 – Simon Spurrier          

157) All-New X-Men #1-4 – Brian Michael Bendis

158) Deadpool #1-3 – Brian Posehn

159) Uncanny Avengers #1-3 – Rick Remender

160) Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Omnibus, Volume 6 – Various

161) Superman: Earth One, Volume 1 – J. Michael Straczynski

162) Batman: Earth One – Geoff Johns

163) Superman: Earth One, Volume 2 – J. Michael Straczynski

164) Let it Snow – John Green, Maureen Johnson, Lauren Myracle

165) Robin: Year One – Chuck Dixon, Scott Beatty

166) Superman: Godfall – Michael Turner

167) Superman/Batman: Sueprgirl – Jeph Loeb & Michael Turner

168) Huntress: Year One – Ivory Madison

169) The Mark of Athena - Rick Riordan

170) Under Wildwood - Colin Meloy

So the last two days I haven’t slept that well.  Last night, before I went to sleep, I said, “I need to catch up on some sleep because I haven’t been sleeping well.”  So, wouldn’t you know that at 2:30 in the morning, this morning, I woke up and could not go back to sleep. I am sure that it is some combination of having more caffeine yesterday than I have been and having way more on my mind that I have been.  Sometimes, I treasure mornings like this, though.  Things are often the most clear to me in the quiet of the early morning.  This is before I have watched the news, before I have thought about the millions of things I need to accomplish at work or at home, before I have flipped on the radio.  It’s just quiet and still and it’s nice.

So, Thursday, I experienced a work victory.  Although I am fairly tech savvy, I could not for the life of me figure out how to connect my Samsung Galaxy 3 to my school Outlook account.  Our CTA (Campus Technology Assistant) helped me get it up and going - and I will admit, I did a little dance of joy.  One of the perks of having this connection set up is that now, if someone texts me when I am at work, it pops up in my inbox at work.  Literally only a few hours later, my wife texted me with this short, sweet text: “We r. Licensed.”  She was literally so excited she didn’t take her usual extra minute to read over the text and make sure it was okay.  But needless to say, when that little text showed up in my inbox during my 7th period class, I was ecstatic.

So, as of Thursday, we are officially licensed to be foster and adoptive parents.  It has been a long process.  We have gone to hours and hours of classes, read lots of information, filled out tons of paperwork, done lots of planning, and done a fair amount of shopping as well.  But, we did it!  We are licensed.  

The Director of the foster/adoption agency we are going through left a message asking one of us to call him back and Michele was quick to do so.  Her conversation with him brought us 2 more shocking bits of news: 1) We could have a baby next week.  Originally, he had told us that the average time from licensure to 1st placement was 4 weeks.  However, for whatever reason, he told us that it could be next week.  When Michele repeated that to me later, I am surprised I didn’t pass out.  I mean, I am super-excited, but it couldn’t be more real than it is to me right now.  Of course those old insecurities were popping up like crazy.  Am I ready?  Am I good enough?  Can I do this?  I was trying desperately to hang on to that verse we all know and love about being able to do all things through Christ.  2) There is a whole lot more paperwork coming our way.  I suppose I knew this was bound to happen, but something inside of me got hopeful that we had done most of it.  It’s not even like most of the paperwork is hard, it’s just that it takes so much time to do it ALL.

Anyway, here I am, awake very early on a Saturday morning and just trying to process all of these emotions and thoughts.  I guess the biggest thing it does in me is re-awaken and rile up that urge to have a brother to walk through all of this with.  I am not talking about an honest-to-goodness, blood-brother.  I am talking about a friend, a man-at-arms, someone to stand by me and fight with me.

If you know me well, you know that one of the things that I have always been passionate about is community - deep, honest, open friendships.  In fact, that is what every research paper I wrote in college was about: friendship.  The whole reason that I fell in love with the Harry Potter stories was because of the friendship between Harry, Ron and Hermione.  I always thought that they were the most representative of what God had called us to as Christians.  When Harry faced a challenge his friends always let him know that they had his back - they would stand by him.  When he told them that he didn’t want them to or that they didn’t need to, they always responded with, “Tough!”  They understood that friends stand with each other ALWAYS.  When Harry was too weak to face his enemies, his friends faced them for him.  This is what friendship and community are all about.

I have been the guy trying to get all the guys together. To be honest, I have wonderful guy friends.  The only thing that gets to me is that either we are all always to busy to connect, or when we connect it doesn’t go beyond the shallow of interests and hobbies.  There are so many more important things in life than how the Cowboys played, what’s going on in politics and local news, and the newest movie/book/comic/tv show/video game.  I NEED (and I know that others need this as well) a friend to walk with and talk about these feelings and thoughts.

Guys aren’t often comfortable with the idea of being vulnerable and emotionally available. But this is part of the problem with society.  Being open and emotionally available doesn’t mean you are a weak person.  It means you are incredibly strong.  It means you are putting your well-being and growth above your ego.  We need each other.  God created us to live in community.  It doesn’t have to be a neo-monastic communal living situation.  It can just mean that you text each other a little more often.  The point is, we were made to walk together.

So here I am, thinking, “Gee, wouldn’t it be crazy if they called us today with a placement?”  And they could!  I could have a child tonight.  That’s insane.  After 30 years of only having myself and 10 years of only having Michele to think about…all of a sudden there is a tiny, living being that needs my love, attention, and care.  I don’t want to screw that up.  It’s a huge responsibility that, unfortunately, not enough people (especially men) take seriously.  I am taking it incredibly seriously.  These are the situations where women jump to each other’s aid.  We have already had one beautiful woman of God volunteer to receive a phone call and maybe even run over to our place as soon as we get our first placement because she knows how frightening it can be.  That is a woman who has chosen to walk with us - to share her knowledge and experience.  Where are the mighty men of God to do the same?

This is certainly not meant to be merely a rant, or a gripe-session.  Rather, I think of this as a call to arms.  It’s telling us men that we need to stop, pick up our cross and walk with our brothers.  Help those who are less knowledgeable or just need a friend.  If you are a friend of mine and are feeling similar thoughts, maybe I haven’t done a good enough job of reaching out to you.  Let’s fix all of that right now.

A friend of mine once tried to describe our mutual stream of thought.  You see when we find something we are interested in we tend to go absolutely crazy for it.  We research it… we try to find out every thing we can possibly discover about it.  This has always been my way.  Modern technology has only aided me in my madness.  I have the internet in my pocket and am always moments away from Googling my way to new knowledge. Here’s a diagram of how my mind works:

Being an avid reader, my mind tends to constantly link things to different literary sources. So every new phase of my life is sourced by comic books, fantasy fiction, other fiction, and academic sources.  It didn’t take long in our process of fostering-to-adopt before I started looking to literature to help me process the concept of being an orphan.  Mind you, there are a lot of important literary figures who are orphans: Oliver Twist, Tom Sawyer, Anne Shirley, Harry Potter, Batman, Spider-man, and Superman.

Because my schedule often gets very hectic, I often look to comic books as shorter, easier reads.  Yet, though they are easier, they still possess a great amount of literary value.  Often times they make references that only the well read individual can understand.  As I have continued to read stories from the perspective of these orphaned characters, one of them stood out to me and gave me hope: Superman. 

Superman gives me hope.  He is the orphan who was raised by loving foster/adoptive parents.  He is the one who always does the moral thing, who does what is right no matter how difficult it is for him.  He is good, kind, caring, and hard working.  He is self-sacrificing - putting those less able before himself.  He is everything that we hope for in humanity.

Yet, Superman constantly struggles with one thing: loneliness.  He feels like he doesn’t belong.  Granted, he has a slew of superpowers that make him feel that way.  I suppose that it has been one of my fears for our fostered/adopted children.  I don’t want them to feel alone like Clark/Superman does.

However, I do want them to turn out as good as Superman does, not angry and dark like Batman.  So this post is a tad silly, but so are my thoughts sometimes.

Have you ever experience a moment that required immediate, urgent action?  Danger was involved and there was a mix of panic and excitement swirling through you like a hurricane?  Although you knew exactly what to do, you weren’t sure if your limbs could carry you fast enough and you thought, why haven’t I been working out to make myself faster, stronger, better?

Have you ever had that moment, like something out of a movie where something or someone was depending on you to make the right decision in just that instant?  Sometimes I feel like that is what parenthood will be like.  Maybe it’s because I read a lot of books and watch a lot of movies, but I worry, “Will I move quick enough,”  ”Will I think quick enough?” 

The other day, a friend came over to drop off some gently used toys that she had from her two kiddos.  We hadn’t seen each other in awhile and my wife and I were chatting with her just outside of her SUV while her kids sat in their car seats inside.  All of a sudden there came a sound like a small explosion and smoke started pouring quickly from underneath the hood of the car.  This was one of those moments.  I was terrified and confident all at once.  I knew just what to do.  In less than 10 seconds my wife and our friend had the kiddos out of the car and I held my friends little girl while her mom ran back to get her purse and anything else she might need out of the car.  It was surreal.

In all fairness, the car didn’t catch fire or blow up.  The radiator had kind of broken apart due to pressure.  But still as the doors to the car were opened up and steam was blowing back into the kids who were strapped into their car seats, it was frightening.  None of us panicked.  We just did what had to be done.  

I think in a way that moment laid a lot of fears to rest inside of me.  God knows what he is doing.  Sure there will be those moments when we have to scratch our heads and figure out what to do, but in moments of real emergency, God has built this system into our mind that tells us what to do.  All the material things that you worked hard to save up and buy (like a car) don’t mean anything.  Let the house burn down, let the car blow up (I really hope neither of these things ever happen to me or anyone else) but it doesn’t matter because our kids are safe and we are safe.

I held my friends beautiful little girl and she just totally buried her head in my shoulder. She was a little scared and a little cold but I offered her comfort just by being there and within moments of being inside our nearby apartment she was fine again.  She was exploring this new place and finding candy and happy!  It was truly beautiful to watch.  Because she knew that no harm would come to her while there were adults nearby.  Because she has parents who have raised her in an environment where she is safe and she is around safe adults.

I have mentioned before that I am a 9th grade English teacher. My job carries with it many joys and many tears.  I see the most wonderful kids every day.  Kids who are confident in who they are - who aren’t afraid to be nerdy and goofy.  Kids who are funny and kind and smart and compassionate and hard-working.  I also see kids who are really struggling.  Their low grades and bad behavior are often a cry for attention that they are not receiving at home.  I read papers my kids write about their parents being in jail or on drugs.  I read papers about kids who spent New Year’s Day caring for their hungover parents.  It breaks my heart.

I worry sometimes about bringing my kids into an environment like that.  I want my kids to have only good things and none of the bad.  But the truth is the world just doesn’t work like that.  No matter how hard I work to create an environment that is safe and beautiful and God-focused for my children, they are going to encounter bad things.  The real trick is, can I teach my kids how to respond and how to depend on God in those situations?  Can I teach my kids how to find comfort when things around them (like a car, if we want to be literal) are blowing up and falling apart?

I think of myself as an optimist, but sometimes things cause me to lose hope.  I have to hang tight to scriptures like this one:

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33 (ESV)

We must all learn to find our peace in Jesus Christ when the world around us is going crazy - parents and children alike.

There’s a Delirious song that is in my head, and I think it is appropriate here.  Here is the video and below it are the lyrics:

When all around has fallen your castle has been burned
You used to be a king here now no one knows your name
You live your life for honour, defender of the faith
But you’ve been crushed to pieces and no one knows your pain

Come, come lay your weary head be still my friend
Come, rise I’ll place my sword upon your shoulder
Come, rise with me

When tomorrow has been stolen and you can’t lift your head
And summer feels like winter your heart is full of stone
Though all your hopes have fallen your skin is now your only armour
Wear your scars like medals defender of the faith

Come, come lay your weary head be still my friend
Come, rise I’ll place my sword upon your shoulder
Come, come lay your faithful head, be still my friend
Come rise with me

Written by Martin Smith ©1995 Curious? Music UK